if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
