A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
