SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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