Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
