You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
