your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
