So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
