but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
