I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
