So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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