I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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