its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
did you just send me my own nude
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
