I accidentally burped into my bong.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
