My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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