Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
