the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
