watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
