The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
