I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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