the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Randomize
