his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
