I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
