I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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