When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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