Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
