"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
