Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
