I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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