i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
