Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?