My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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