I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
