Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
