I wanna bring you to show and tell
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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