There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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