just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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