so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
