I feel great
I just peed on a car
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
