That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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