she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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