I just threw up on my dentist
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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