I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
