Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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