I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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