my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
please don't ironically join a cult
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