apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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