I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
