I need to stop coming to work sober
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
