If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
