3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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