Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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