Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
There r osticjed everywhere
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Randomize
