you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
