Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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