what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
