I like my sex mixed with concussions.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
